“Yeah, well, sometimes nothin’ can be a real cool hand.” – Luke Johnson

“What did you expect? Coffins and dungeons and moats?” – Edward Cullen

After my civilized dinner party last Friday night ended at an uncivilized hour Saturday morning, I decided to take the rest of the weekend off to watch movies. Stumbling to the local video store, I returned home late Saturday afternoon with a Venti-sized dark in one hand and Cool Hand Luke and Twilight in the other. Postponing my clean-up duties until the following week, I cleared enough space on the couch to sit down and inserted Mr. Newman into my DVD player.

Paul Newman as Luke Johnson.

126 minutes of Paul Newman without a shirt on later, I was officially hot and bothered. Now generally I like my men to be as unavailable as they can get. That is why it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I have been known to lust after one dead movie star or two. [Just so we’re clear, I am not about to break into a morgue anytime soon – God knows I could never afford enough lube for that.] But for reasons of mental health, after the film was done, I decided it was in my best interests to fantasize about someone still alive. So I switched discs to Twilight.

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen.
Starring Robert Pattinson (of Cedric Diggory fame) as Edward Cullen, Twilight is the story of what happens to a girl when she falls in love with a boy who refuses to eat meat. As a former member of the closet, I completely understand the devastating effects repression can have on a person. No wonder Edward can’t sleep.

Well, once the movie was over, my stomach became mysteriously upset. At first I thought it might have had something to do with the fact that I had only consumed red wine and black coffee in the twelve hours previous. But then I realized it was much more serious than that. My insides were churning because I couldn’t decide which version of masculinity I was attracted to more – the dirt-beneath-the-finger-nails image of Lucas Johnson or the perfectly-manicured “Vanity Fair” cover of Edward Cullen?

In the last decade it seems the image of “the pretty boy” has taken Hollywood by storm.

From Justin Timberlake to Chace Crawford, testosterone in 2009 comes photo-shopped with powdered lips and manicured eyebrows.

On the one hand, I give Mr. Pattinson absolute props for making pale-skin look hot again. I have been waiting for this moment to come since the Victorian Period! Now all I have to do when I go to the bar on Friday night is apply a light shade of red lipstick and put on my Edward Cullen face that says “I want to suck you."
 
But when it comes right down to it, I think I would rather marry a man who could eat 50 eggs in one sitting then one could fly me to the top of a tree. And so, to every Twilight fan’s dismay, Cool Hand Luke takes this Fox’s heart with a Royal Flush.

Give me Rock Hudson over Gene Kelly any day because when I grow up I want a man’s man. A man who can hang up shelves at the same time he refreshes my G&T. A man who smells like Brut and freshly-mowed lawn rather than Dolce and Gabanna and oil-free moisturizer. What I want is a man who can get his hands dirty … and is preferably still alive.

RUGGED FOX QUIZ

Alright kids, here’s the deal – if you can fill in the blank to the following Fox phrase, I will buy you a glass of wine*

            I like my men like I like my __________: unavailable.

*Glass must be six ounces or less and eligible wine must be classified as ‘house.’