Attention: Smalltown Boys Moving West
This is my advice for young gay prairie boys who are planning to move to Vancouver.
Do not spend $1500 on a personal trainer at Fitness World only to start work at Starbucks, develop tendinitis in both your arms and then lose your biceps in less than a month.
When the cab company is on a first-name basis with you, it means you are spending too much money on transportation.
If you hear the words “Tanqueray,” “Bombay,” “Hendricks,” or “extra olives” coming out of your mouth, run as fast as you can.
Just because a boy holds your hand on the first date does not mean it is ok to have unprotected sex with him.
When it is three in the morning, and you are meeting a mysterious man downstairs to buy a bottle of Jackson Triggs for $40, you have had too much to drink.
A Credit Card does not a good boyfriend make. One day without notice he will reject you. And when that happens you will be left with nothing but an empty bottle of red wine on the table and a server who is not impressed.
When you go to the gay bar, do not put your piece of gum in what you think is an empty beer bottle. Because a second later when the cute boy beside you turns around and takes a sip from it, you will pray that he does not choke.
If a girl tries to convert you, let her. You are likely to get a free meal out of the deal and enough pasta salad in your fridge to last you a life time.
When you open up your bathroom mirror and see $1000 worth of skin products staring back at you, it is time to get help.
Even though it is white, it is still counts as wine. Do not drink the bottle unless you really want to start texting your ex-boyfriend at one o’clock in the morning on Tuesday night.
The best part about riding a ferry boat is saying that you got to a ride a ferry.
If a guy wakes up beside you and turns down your offer for coffee or breakfast, you just had a one-night stand. No matter what you think, he is not your future husband and he will not return your next phone call.
It was your choice to move to the most unaffordable city in all of Canada. It costs money just to breathe in Vancouver, get over it.
Living on the West Coast is not that much different then living on the prairies – you are just getting drunk with a nicer view.
Do not enter into a relationship with a tree unless you are ready to keep it alive for more than a week.
If you are looking for love and your date tells you that he is from the West Coast, that is your first mistake.
Gay doctors are like gay engineers, they all have wives.
Just because you can get to third base off the field without even batting an eyelash, does not mean that you are good at baseball.
Start saving $50 every month now, because in 1000 years you’re descendants will be able to afford five-hundred square feet downtown with no view.
“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”
