The Trials and Tribulations of Being the Older Boyfriend
Okay, first I want to start by thanking everyone for their direct messages regarding my younger boyfriend. To clear up any confusion, yes, he is real – and no, I did not make him up. While I truly appreciate your concern about the state of my mental faculties, I can assure you I have never felt so rational before.
Also, please stop sending me invites for upcoming events as part of “Men’s Mental Health Month.” I cannot RSVP because I am very busy dating a non-fictional man who is very much real.
Now, we can get down to business. Based purely on superstition, I have decided not to share my 30-year-old partner’s name with you until we have officially been intertwined for six months plus one day. For now, he shall be Nameless. I have also notified Facebook that my relationship status will remain single until August 16th, 2024, at 12:01am.
I know we haven’t discussed this yet; however, I want you to know that I did not enter this partnership lightly. While it is true, in years past, I have offered my hand in marriage to any man who made direct eye contact with me – this time is different.
I have always understood that with great age comes, great responsibility. And so, being the “Older Boyfriend” was by no means a role I intended to take lightly.
When Nameless first asked of me monogamy, I must admit, I was unsure at first, I was up to the task.
CUT TO:
INT. The Fox Den – Bedroom – Past Reasonable Bedtime
Lying in bed, under the curtained glow from the streetlight, NAMELESS turns over to RUGGED FOX and asks him a very important question.
NAMELESS
Will you be with me and no one else?
RUGGED FOX
I am unsure I am up to the task.
Ill-timed, Rugged Fox’s smart phone starts pinging with the familiar sound of Grindr notifications.
NAMELESS
Babe, what is that?
RUGGED FOX
(scrambling to silence his phone and feigning cluelessness)
What is what babe?
And so it was that I deleted Grindr for the 347th time.
Naturally, as soon as I was no longer a single man, I made a commitment to myself to be the best “Older Boyfriend” in the province of British Columbia. I made a vow never to form the sentences, “I am tired” and “It is late,” or ask the question, “can we go home yet?” I also contacted the bank and increased my credit card limit.
This of course, worked out very well for approximately seventeen days until I had a major breakdown in a private karaoke room. Physically exhausted after shutting down The Cross Swords on Davie Street nearly every night for two weeks - and utterly broke given the high cost of leaving the apartment, I could not sustain my role as “Older Boyfriend” anymore.
FADE IN:
INT. Private Karaoke Room – Late on a Weeknight
An exhausted and broke Rugged Fox finds himself on the edge of tears, as Nameless cues up “Stars are Blind” by Paris Hilton on the karaoke machine.
NAMELESS
(singing)
I don’t mind spending some time… just hanging here with you.
RUGGED FOX
(bursting into tears)
I don’t think I have what it takes, apart from age, to be your older boyfriend anymore!
NAMELESS
(continuing to sing)
Cause I don’t find too many guys… that treat me like you do.
Endeared with Nameless’ unwavering commitment to song, Rugged Fox manages to get himself together in time for the chorus.
NAMELESS & RUGGED FOX
(in unison)
If you show me real love baby, I’ll show you mine!
Now, I would love to stay and chat, but after my recent psychotic break, Nameless suggested we go to a gay men’s support group tonight. Apparently, it is part of “Men’s Mental Health Month.” At least, I RSVP’d with a plus one.
