Hunting Season

Alright, here’s the deal – I have been gone for almost a week now which in blog time is like seventeen years. You might think that my digital absence has been due to the fact that nothing is going on in my life, or I am too busy tracking the postman’s package, but au contraire mes amis, because the Fox has a hot date tomorrow night – and he has been too busy freaking out to do anything else. In order to make up for my lack of uploaded presence in your life, I have decided to put a special on today’s entry: 3 for the price of 1. Meaning this entry is 3 times longer than a usual one. So, without further ado, let’s get this train-wreck back on the tracks.

I went out for coffee last week with a close friend who I haven’t seen in almost a year. His name is Frederick, and he has the most beautiful blue eyes you have ever seen. They are like a prairie sky on a clear summer day; you can drive into them for miles without ever having to stop. Making the natural progression from coffee to discount bellini’s, we got to talking about relationships and he asked me whether or not I was looking for one. Twisting my face into the shape of a question mark, my reply back to him fell somewhere in between yes and no.

Returning home later that night, I poured myself a nightcap, and sat down to check my boxes. I went through each one of them: my email, my other email, my facebook, my voice mail, my text messages, and my other, other email. To my complete and utter dismay, they were all empty. You have no new messages… bitch.

It then occurred to me that my box has been empty for a long time now, and unless I start to step it up a notch, there is no hope it will be filled.

And so out of partial boredom and slight intoxication, I strapped on my faux-raccoon skin cap, loaded my rifle, and kicked off my hunt for a man. Registering a profile on Mantrap, it only took ten minutes before I was deep in the digital forest of men just as fabulous as I. Like a cunning fox, I made sure to fly under the radar. Slowly scrolling up and down the 25 pages of out and in men, I came across cuddly-bears, barely legal Bambi’s, and terrifying cougars. But before I go any further, let me take a step back.

For those of you who are not familiar with Mantrap, it is one of the most popular male-dating sites on the internet (and one of I have stayed away from for a long time). It kicked off initially as a hook-up site intended for men to find ‘the right man right now.’ But as it became more socially acceptable for coffee-shops to move inside chatrooms, more and more men who were looking for something more starting gracing the website with their presence. And so, flash-forward to me signing up and this is what you get.

Step One: Enter your name, age, weight, height, body shape, hair colour. DONE

Step Two: Enter a profile to describe yourself.

I love drinking red wine, singing in the rain and listening to Diana Krall. I am a writer who has a kind heart and an excellent way with words. I am slightly neurotic, but not in the Woody Allen fashion. I love to read, write and exercise. I am on the market for a healthy relationship or some really great friends. I will not put out on the first date, but if properly wined and dined then maybe the second. (True story)

Step Three: Answer the following questions:

Cut or uncut: Depends on which angle you are looking from.

Position: Lie down and roll over.

Place: Somewhere romantic with candles and a nice house chianti.

Availability: Scheduled Fall 2009 Launch.

Step Four: What are you into?

Here is where things got tricky. I had to select from a list of options and at first, I thought no sweat, until I realized what I had to choose from. Searching for favourites like “watching the sunset,” “talking in bed all morning,” and “going out for walks,” I was notably miffed when I discovered all of my choices were missing from the list. Instead, it appeared I that I had to choose from other recreational activities that included “watersports,” “fisting,” and “married men.” When all was said and done, I had managed to check off one box, “kissing.”

Step Four: Upload Photos

Naturally I chose the hottest one of me from the last six months, which graces this blog every time you load it.

Step Five: Start Hunting.

Finally finished, I proudly scrolled down to find my shining face sandwiched in between profile pictures of an above-average penis and a man’s pale cheeks. Feeling I had accomplished enough for one night, I logged off and did not return until later the next day.

Signing in the next time, I was thrilled to see that my box had been filled with messages from thirteen different men. (This box thing will never get old.) One of them was beyond hot and from his profile description it appeared I fulfilled some of his pre-requisites. Replying to his message, we ended up talking the rest of the night and now we are meeting for beer tomorrow night!

With that said, I must cut this short because I only have 30 hours left to properly freak out. I must spend the next ten hours staring in the mirror at the new zit I just received (which couldn't have had worse timing if it tried) and then stay up all night fretting over a bottle of boxed red wine. I also have to shave, exfoliate, Nair, detoxify and see if I can scramble enough money together for a manicure. Wish me luck!

RRF (Responsible Rugged Fox) Report:

For my younger (and older) readers, if you happen to find yourself with fabulous plans for a blind date, always choose a busy place to meet the person and let someone know where you are going. Don’t drink anything with an alcohol percentage over 13%, have fun and be safe.