Backdraft
– noun - an explosive surge in a fire produced by the sudden mixing of air with other combustible gases. (Dictionary.com)
- gay noun – an explosive case of razor burn down under produced by improper shaving technique. (RuggedFox.com)
Incase you are wondering where I have been this last week the answer is traumatized. Allow me to explain.
The year was 2007 and the Fox was having the time of his life. He was twenty-two years old, a one-time playwright, and in the longest relationship of his life. Having dated the man in question for six whole days at the time this story takes place, his flame could not have burned brighter… or so he thought.
After the third date and a successful (albeit incredibly brief) slide into third base, the Fox was asked a question he had never heard the likes of before:
DREAMLOVER: (experienced) Have you ever thought about putting the fire out?
FOX: (naïve and filled with unrelenting optimism) Excuse me?
DREAMLOVER: You know … down there.
FOX: Down where? Oh.
Not wanting to disappoint the next time ‘round, I started doing some research into the wonderful world of shaving down under. Consulting a knowledgeable male colleague at work, I learned that in order to control the fire between my legs, it was best to use hot water first and then finish with a splash of cold.
STRAIGHT MALE COLLEAGUE: See what you want to do first man is open the pores down there, see the hot water takes care of that, right? But then you absolutely must, and I mean must, finish with freezing cold, because otherwise, well let’s just say it’s not good.
FOX: How about shaving down, down there?
SMC: I just told you.
FOX: No, further down.
SMC: Oh. Yeah, see I can’t help you there. Those are un-chartered waters I am definitely not about to Colombus anytime soon.
Not quite comfortable yet with the idea of taking a sharp object between my legs, I sought the wise words of one of my best girlfriends Shenikwa and subsequent all-time shaving guru.
FOX: Sensai-Shenikwa, what can you tell me about shaving below the belt?
GURU: Exfoliate, exfoliate, exfoliate.
FOX: Thank you wise one. PS Those shoes are fabulous, where did you get them?
Four days and one electric razor shopping expedition later, I was finally ready to go where five men have gone before. Following the sage advice of my elders and the Phillips instruction booklet, I exfoliated, tread carefully, and then switched the tap to cold. Spending the next 48 hours fearing the worst, I sighed when it appeared the fire was out. But that was then, and this is now. And two years later it appears this time around I didn’t have so much luck.
If you remember back to three men ago (and counting) you will know I spent 30 hours preparing for my first date: three of which were spent in the shower with an old friend named BodyGroom. Well 24 hours after I got the job done, it appeared the fire was out but the area in question was still burning.
Barely able to walk the next day at work, while everyone else thought I got lucky, little did they know I had scorched myself with a razor.
Stopping at Shoppers on the way home to remedy the situation, I was devastated to find the only product promising me some kind of relief was called “BikiniZone.” Now, this Fox is not easily embarrassed (obviously) but the thought of walking up to the cashier with the purple streamlined package was a little bit much. Returning the box to the shelf, I turned around to leave, but then stopped and thought: If I ever hope to take it like a man anytime soon – I am going to have to start taking it like a man. And so, I puffed my chest up in the air, took the box back off the shelf, and walked up to the cashier like I was wearing the tightest pair of chaps you have ever seen.
THE FOX’S GUIDE TO SHAVING DOWN UNDER
What you will need:
6 – 12 ozs. red wine.
1.5 oz. water-based lube.
1 waterproof electric body razor
1 exfoliant
1 mirror
2 oz. gin
4 olives
1 shower, adjustable to cold or hot
Drink red wine in preparation for shaving.
Take hot shower to open pores.
Use gel or cream based exfoliant to prepare the area.
Use razor in shower. If desired, use a cream as well.
Use lube if you get excited while spending so much time down there.
Use mirror while shaving down, down there. (I recommend doing squats as a warm-up.)
Adjust tap to cold in order to close down shop.
Reward yourself with gin and extra olives.
